


Many Parodies of Steven Universe

by CrystalNavy



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2018-12-12 20:30:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11744619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalNavy/pseuds/CrystalNavy
Summary: Parodies galore





	1. Romantic Rivalry

It was just your average day at Big Donut. Or at least it would be if it weren't for young man covering in the corner. Or the two Gems glaring daggers at each other.

"You are not good enough for him." Emerald growled "Not nearly cool enough."

"Oh yeah?" Padparadscha shot back "Well, I knew him for longer than you did, and you two started out as enemies. In fact, you wouldn't even be here if it weren't for peace treaty between our two sides."

Emerald glared one last time before she stormed out of the building. 

"You are pleasuring yourself with his portrait because you know the real deal would never love you or care about you." Padparadscha called after her "How desperate."

"You are an Off-Color." Emerald said "Someone like you will never receive any real love."

-x-

Emerald narrowed her eyes at Padparadscha and Lars. They were sitting on the bench, the former clinging to the latter's arm.

"Well, if it isn't mismatched couple." Emerald mocked "You two should've never met."

Padparadscha glared.

"How about you go out with a real Gem?" Emerald winked at Lars "I can show you a good time."

Padparadscha walked off without a word. She returned a short while later. On her arm was a familiar contraption. Emerald smiled upon seeing it. Then she threw Padparadscha into the fountain, soaking her to the bone. Padparadscha's damp hair fell down the sides of her face, like a mop. Emerald pointed her finger and laughed.

"Look at you, will he choose you now?"

Padparadscha responded by throwing a glob of water at Emerald, landing her in a similar situation.

"Stop it." a voice piped up

Padparadscha and Emerald glanced at Lars, who was sitting on the ground, cross-legged, then at each, then back at Lars.

"If you want us to stop....." Emerald suddenly said

"......then choose one of us." Padparadscha finished

Lars gulped. Then he turned around and ran off.

"Looks like our conflict will resume." Emerald shrugged

"Oh, you're on." Padparadscha smiled, cracking her knuckles. Breaking Point was still attached to her arm.


	2. The Three Partners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We on your world, stealin' your doodz.

The transmission came. Blue Diamond and Yellow Diamond listened to it.

"To the Diamonds." a deep voice said "We on your world, stealin' your doodz, just like you be stealin' ours."

"What?" Blue Diamond said, furrowing her brow in confusion "Bring me Aquamarine and Topaz."

"Topaz is one of your doodz we stole." the deep voice informed

"This is an outrage!" Yellow Diamond screamed 

"One of your doodz wants to talk to you." a deep voice said "Take the stage, partner."

"Hello, my Giraffe." a familiar voice said "I mean, my Diamond. Oh, wait, you're not my Diamond anymore."

The video feed notification blared, and Blue Diamond opened the video. Sitting on an impromptu chair, with Lapis Lazuli and Amethyst on either side of her, was Peridot 5XG.

"Do you like my girlfriends?" Peridot grinned "We are in three-way polyamorous relationship."

Yellow Diamond seethed. 

"My Diamond." Emerald reported "The Zircons are missing from their cells."

"There is a riot in the Zoo." Aquamarine informed, flying in "And Topaz defected."

"Told you we were stealin' your doodz." Amethyst said smugly "Well, toodles."

And then, both the voice feed and the video feed died off simultaneously, leaving two seething Diamonds, one confused Aquamarine and one irate Emerald.


	3. Tiny Terror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tiny terror terrorizes people of beach city in many ways.

It was a fine day today. It was also Valentine's day. A shy girl named Samantha tried to give gifts to her love, but all the gifts were gone. In there place was a note reading only 'keheheheh'. Samantha got dejected and walked back home, before wailing into her pillow. 

On a hill, a tiny terror sat, watching the cries of gullible people. It was music to her ears. It was music to her ears indeed. Perhaps she'd try the one with bell pepper next. She climbed down the hill and into the city. She bought a pack of bell pepper, then stalked the couple who went to a nearby restaurant. At a convenient moment, she poured the pepper all over their food. She returned to the table and waited for them to start blaming each other and finally break up. Ruining relationships was fun. 

Evening came, and she saw that she had completed her quota of ruining six relationships today. She rubbed her hands in glee. 

Little did she know she was being watched. A girl behind her grinned widely, before clamping a hand over her mouth.

"I've had my eye on you for quite some time." the girl, named Mandy, said "And yet you broke my heart when you refused to join the Crystal Gems. They're like, the superheroes of this city. So instead you'd join us."

She felt herself being pushed into a sack and carried away. When she was let out, she found herself in a dingy house. There were several figures with black masks, and a single candle was on the table.

"Welcome to the cult." an eerie voice spoke "We worship Crystal Gems. You are one of us now."

One of the figures approached her with a branding iron, pressing it against her thigh. When it was removed, there was an outline of a five-pointed star there. She screamed. not from pain, but from embarrassment. She wasn't supposed to wear this symbol.

"Now you are an official member of the cult. Isn't that nice?" a voice said "Now we can do cult things together, such as helping old ladies cross the street and carrying their groceries!"

Navy screamed again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She broke my heart. :(


	4. Jasper's Bad Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper has a stalker

Jasper stepped out of the temple for her early morning jog. It had been a month since she had finally joined the Crystal Gems. Once she was done running, she dropped into Big Donut to replenish some of her energy. Yet what greeted her was Ruby Eyeball, in a maid outfit no less.

"Hello sir." Ruby Eyeball wiggled her eyebrow suggestively "What would you like to order? Or am I the order?"

"Two jam donuts and a Coke." Jasper said stiffly 

Eyeball's face fell. She wrote down the order anyway. 

The next day, the first letter arrived.

"You are my all. -E" it said

Jasper crumpled it and threw it into the trash

"Is something on your mind?" Garnet entered the kitchen

"Eyeball is stalking me and sending me letters." Jasper muttered "And I don't want to be in a committed relationship yet."

"Then refuse her gently, like I did with Jamie." Garnet suggested

There was a pause.

"So I smash her face in?" Jasper asked quizzically

Garnet sighed.

Today was gonna be a long day.


	5. InSaNiTy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eyeball Ruby goes insane

"Are you sure about this?" Yellow Diamond asked

"Positive. Ruby 4DF is insane." Emerald said "Here is the proof."

Then Emerald opened the door to Pink Diamond's former chamber, now unused. Scattered around were various memorabilia. Each piece had one thing in common.

"Disturbing." Yellow Diamond commented

"Yeah." Emerald said

The walls had red hearts drawn on them. Scattered all around the room was Jasper-themed memorabilia.

"Fetch Spinel." Yellow Diamond commanded "We'll get rid of these and have her memories erased."

"I doubt that will work." Emerald muttered under her breath

"What was that?"

"Nothing, my Diamond." Emerald said quickly


	6. Detective Peri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone stole Amethyst's prized muffin. Fortunately, detective Peri is on the case.

"What's the matter, Amethyst?"

"Someone stole my millenia old prized muffin." Amethyst sobbed "I was gonna eat it this afternoon too!"

"Don't worry, detective Peri is on the case!" declared Peri, appearing out of thin air with two humans "These are my assistants, the Pines siblings!"

"Hi." said Dipper

"Hi." said Mabel

"Now we will investigate." Peri said, closing the door behind her "So don't disturb us."

Outside the house, two shadowed individuals were conferring

"Peri is an idiot." the first said "But her assistants are smart. They will figure out it was us who stole the the muffin to help in our nefarious scheme."

"What nefarious scheme?" the second one said "Your plans are crazy and tend to backfire."

The first figure frowned.

"This is one of the reasons why I love you." the second figure said "But I am afraid, afraid that you'd get hurt."

"We will use this muffin to drive out the evil forces occupying this city." the first figure declared

"That's our job, darling. Can't believe your first girlfriend broke up with you." the second figure said 

Suddenly, lights shone, revealing the two figures as Ronaldo Fryman and Star.

"Ha, we knew it was you all along!" Mabel cheered "Peri doubted it, but with firm evidence, we were able to convince her that it was you two!"


	7. Dictatorship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Navy finds a manual on how to be evil. The results are....unexpected, to say the least.

Navy stood alone in the hull of her ship, seemingly slouched over ship. However, there was something very different going inside of her head.

There were many miniature Navys running around, causing all sorts of chaos.

Leggy approached Navy and asked her a question. Navy grabbed her hand and flipped her over her head. Army approached them with an angry look on her face. Navy grabbed a handful of sticky substance she found on Earth and chucked it into Army's face

"What was that?" Army coughed, spitting out the little bits of the substance.

Inside Navy's head, the smaller Navys were reading a book that described this. It was Mr. Jones' Worldwide Dictionary

"Well, humans call it horse manure." Navy said, tapping her chin in thought "I also read George Orwell's 1984.....Hey, that gives me an idea!

(One month later)

Large Navy portraits, complete with moustaches and evil looks in their eyes were adorning every visible area on Homeworld. Underneath was her motto.

'BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU." the motto read

Navy and her fellow squad members were lounging in comfy chairs, overlooking a muriad of Gem workers.

Two humans entered.

"Hello, O'Brien." Navy greeted cheerfully

Clergyman William O'Brien, baker Julia Donnell, and pirate lord Winston Evans all greeted Navy politely

"Have you began marriage plan program?" Navy asked

"Not yet."

"Well, get to it. According to my research, these two must fall in love and engage in illicit affairs behind our backs!" Navy snapped

"Of course, right away." Doc muttered "I miss the time Diamonds were in charge."

"Are you thinking evil thoughts?" Navy stared at her "Then it's a job for Thought Police!"

William, together with Blue Zircon and Yellow Zircon grabbed Doc and dragged her away.

"To room 101 with her!" Navy cackled

In room 101 there were puppies of various breeds. Doc screamed and thrashed

"Get them away! Please, get them away!"

The scene changed to Crystal Gems being worshipped like Gods by the entire populace of Homeworld, Doc included

"NOOOOOOO!" she screamed

Inside the recognition chamber, Navy cackled in delight. On her desk lay a bookmarked book. The title glowed eerily in the darkness, signaling more misfortune to come.

'1984'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry


	8. Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are many multiverses, and in one of them, there is a group with the same name as your race. What happens when people from that universe meet your group?

There was a rift. It was unlike any other rift. The Crystal Gems stared at this new group which called themselves 'Gems'. There were four members in this group, and the Crystal Gems didn't know what to do with them.

"Hiya." Phosphophyllite chirped, excitedly "So you are Gems too, huh?"

"Yeah, I suppose you could call us that."

"Phos, get away from them!" a Gem with red hair warned "They could be in league with our enemies."

"Aw.....You are a party pooper, Cinnabar." Phosphophyllite pouted.

Garnet blinked, then blinked again. Maybe this was what Gems were originally supposed to be like. Has the time warped the Gems to their current forms?

She needed to get to the bottom of this.

A slender white spear flew past Garnet and lodged itself firmly in Cinnabar's arm. She cried out in pain. Garnet turned around and gave Pearl a hard stare.

"As I thought, you are our enemies. I will disintegrate you all!" Cinnabar declared angrily

Poison began to seep out from Cinnabar's skin, getting closer and closer to Crystal Gems.

"Look at what you've done." Garnet hissed to Pearl "Gems, we're getting out of here."

And they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't resist.


End file.
